Shock waves from technology

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Do you all know technology still shocks me? Last week Friday, I discovered that my blog disappeared; like it just went like that and I searched for it like I was looking for pin in water but I was getting a response that my blog has been deleted.  How does that happen? I decided not to give it any attention over the weekend, deciding instead to focus on getting better (I was ill *sigh*). Anyway, this morning, I checked and it was still gone and fast forward to COB today, my blog was back!! Yay! I still don't understand what happened and I'm not bothering to understand; I'll just backup my blog jejely but you see why even as a techie, I'm not a full believer in cloud computing? The security hasn't fully cut it for me just yet. Okay, I digress. Anyway, please shout hallelujah for me that she din't disappear completely! Thank you.

 I'm listening to Barlow Girl at the moment. I've always loved that band mostly because they are very girly and their music is loud. Recently, I've been stuck on a particular track "Beautiful Ending" and one day, the lyrics and message of the song just made meaning to me. Often times, life makes up lose crucial contact with God; I mean it's easy to be living in this country or any other and just forget that all that truly matters is God not just because of the tons of evil in the world right now but also because of the tons of things that seem good and pleasing to the eye.

On one hand, we get so overwhelmed with the troubles and worries and all sorts going on around that we just lose it and relegate God who knows and understands it all into the background. On the other hand, we get so caught up in all the seemingly beautiful and pleasant  things in the world that God's place doesn't really matter to us anymore; we get to a point where we feel we can just carry on with our self-seeking lives on our own.

This song subtly pushes a question which I'm also pushing to you. At the end of it all, on what side do you want to be? Take a little time to consider what really truly matters.

Sugarspring, thank me later for this :D

Have a wonderful week.

Celebrating Thanksgiving

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For many of us, there are times when we are in certain phases of life and the shadows and darkness around us challenges we are facing so easily clouds and blurs out everything bright and beautiful so much that we do not feel a need to be thankful. I’ve gone weeks without having anything to be grateful for; I just feel like there’s no extra ordinary thing that has happened in my life for me to be specially grateful without realizing that even the tiniest things around bring reasons to be full of gratitude.

I know thanksgiving has passed and we don’t even celebrate thanksgiving here but who says you can’t have your own day of celebration? So in the spirit of December (xmas +new year + I didn’t have a birthday post + a new chapter altogether), these are the things I’m grateful for:

I’m grateful for God. Everybody attributes their life and existence to a supreme being but not everybody actually believes or accepts the sovereignty or superiority of this being. I’m grateful because I know God (in my little way) and I love Him very much. Life is so much easier in understanding, acknowledging and accepting that there is a God above and no human can replace Him no matter how much anyone tries. I’m also grateful that He shows me love much more than anything I can ever show to Him and even when I mess up big time, He never stops loving me. I’m forever grateful that He doesn’t punish me for defaulting in giving Him back the 110% love He has given to me.

I’m grateful for family. Apart from me, there are just 2 other members of my immediate family and it sucks that you can’t quarrel with any of them for too long (joke). I have argued and at different times even totally disliked both of them, I’ve been furious with them and even made certain decisions concerning them, but family will always tie themselves to your cloth. Even if you use a scissors to rip off the part where they are tied to your garment, they will look for another part of your garment to tie themselves to. Is it until you rip all your clothes off before you realize they are going nowhere? I know what it feels like to be missing family so I’m eternally grateful for those that I have.

I’m grateful for forgiveness. I mess up a lot, big time! and I wonder how people tend to look beyond my offences, forget the heartache and hurt I caused and move on with life. I didn’t have it so easy with forgiveness because I just couldn’t bring myself to look past the hurt, but gradually, I began to understand that forgiving a person of any wrong is not so that invisible chains will drop off the person’s hands and legs but so that you that is forgiving another will experience peace and freedom from clogging your brain with hurt and wrong doings. I admit there are still times I struggle with forgiveness; I don’t intend to make it appear like child’s play but if one person can do it, then why can’t I or why can’t you?

I’m grateful for a job. That I wake up each day with somewhere to go to and something to do is a blessing on its own. I never really understood the depth of unemployment until recently. Y’all remember that Dangote and bus drivers story? That’s the kind of thing that makes me grateful. I know there’s a lot of money involved in the job but still… It’s easy to complain about bosses and deadlines and difficult tasks and pain-in-the-butt clients and horrible colleagues when you haven’t stayed jobless. I imagine the number of people who will be willing and ready to take my job even with less pay.

I’m grateful for friends (I know you were expecting this). If I ever have a next life, it will be filled with friends. I do not have many friends so I’m very thankful for the few I have both physically and on blogsville (and wordpressville). Many of you bloggers feel like friends even though I have never ever seen most people. These are people that fill my life with joy and tell me the truth at all times; friends who listen to and scold me and friends who are just there when you need someone to talk to. You guys are the friends that help me connect with purpose and inspire me to be a better me; the ones whose actions challenge and propel me to action in more ways than I can count. Who says you can’t discover and develop serious cyber-friendships?

I’m grateful for laughter. It is not just enough for something to induce laughter or be funny; a person dealing with major issues cannot afford the luxury of laughter. From the blog posts from you awesome people, to twitter, to craziness at work and at home and to friends; I have had one reason or the other to laugh everyday. It’s refreshing, relaxing and truly, laughter is the best medicine. When I say laughter, I mean the type that makes you bend over and hold your stomach, the type that brings out tears from your eyes and sometimes even makes you throw up. I could use that kind of laughter everyday.

I’m grateful for music. If music has ever healed you, then you will understand what I mean. Music has been a wonderful companion to me. Sometimes, I think it’s because I always care more about the lyrics of a song than for the beat, tune or melody so when I listen to a song, I’m more concerned about what the lyrics mean to me than how fast or how slow I can dance to the song (this is why I’m not a big fan of Naija music). I’m most especially grateful for rock songs, for Casting Crowns, for Jeremy Camp, for Francesca Batistelli, for Switchfoot, for The Fray, for Rascal Flatts, for Anthem Lights and for Hillsong United.

I’m grateful for sports. There’s a sense of belonging that comes with following and actually loving any kind of sports. So for Football (not American football), and for Basketball and also for Tennis, I’m thankful. I’m especially thankful for C. Ronaldo (*wink*).

I’m grateful for gadgets. Seriously, I keep thinking how difficult life will be without basic gadgets like a smartphone (not Nokia 3310) or computers or even things as basic as flash drives or head phones. As you may already know, I’m a techie (whatever that means to you) so as much as I don’t make myself drink gari to buy a gadget, I’m thankful for the ones I  have and hopeful for the ones I don’t.

I’m grateful for love. There’s so much more I can say concerning this but the fact that I’m loved in many ways is enough to be thankful for.

I am grateful for life. I wouldn’t be thankful for all these as a dead person. So for all these and more; and for God who has for now blessed me with all these, I’m thankful.

What are you most thankful for? Please share :)

P.S: I’ve been feeling very melancholic for a while now and kinda lost my will and inspiration. I stayed away because it was hard to put my thoughts in words without passing on the melancholy to y’all. I’m back now though and I think it's only appropriate to be back with this. Massive thanks to everyone that checked on me. God bless y'all.

Little Words of Encouragement

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I’ve had an okay month. Not exactly a spectacular month because of the many things I couldn’t accomplish, but above all else, I’m grateful for life. It’s easy to go everyday complaining about things that are not working well instead of just being grateful for the things that are on course. I try to imagine myself being the one that provides air, food, water, shelter, and abundance of rain, fair weather, good jobs, and all the other good things of life to humans and with the abundance of all these things I provide, someone still complains about how he or she doesn’t have enough money to add to what they already have. The thought that people don’t care much about what I do or complain that I’m not doing enough is sufficient to start another episode of Noah and the Ark.

I have two stories to share.

Two weeks ago, I had this massive eye issue. It was so bad that I couldn’t do anything at work because looking at my screen alone was a huge problem; my eyes were watery, they hurt so bad and were itchy. Thankfully, it got better after about a week and I was okay. I’ve started taking precautionary measures to stay off eye makeup and bright screens.
Few days ago, I met this man, a senior executive in a multinational company who was sharing an experience. He mentioned that for a couple of years now, he’s had to deal with eye issues and hasn’t been able to find a medical cure for it. He said his eyes will hurt so badly sometimes that he’d be useless for hours; or sometimes, he’d just sit and for no reason, water will start coming out of his eyes like when someone is crying; this actually happened while we were talking, tears just started flowing out of his eyes. When I asked if he had been to the hospital, he smiled and said “you have no idea how much I’ve spent” and he stopped at that.
While I was complaining about how I couldn’t use eye makeup for a week because the water will smear my mascara, someone else is constantly battling with worse situations. You stay complaining about why your eyes are too big or too small; not bright enough or not having the right color; someone else is just praying for eyes that can work well. That man has more than enough money to take care of himself, but his eyes still give him so much trouble.

Second story.
I have a colleague at work who is a cancer survivor. He had cancer in his college days in Germany many years back and he was telling his experience about chemotherapy, alopecia, losing years of school and so on. He went to talk to a woman who presently has cancer in an attempt to encourage her that whether or not she survives it, she is safe in the hands of God. The passion with which this woman spoke about how grateful she is for the number of years she lived in sound health made me feel guilty about myself.
I am very familiar with cancer. I know it so well and I know it’s a hard place to be especially for the family of the patient; both financially and emotionally. But with this woman’s family, you can see gratitude to God despite the challenges they are facing. She has two grown daughters that have this aura of joy around them and it amazes me how they manage to stay joyful through the illness.
**End of Stories**

At the risk of writing an epistle, this is a word of encouragement that no matter how crooked or hopeless a situation might be, there are still reasons to be thankful. It might not be health challenges; it might be failure to accomplish some set goals of 2012 as we enter into the so-called “ber” months; it might even be dealing with loss in any form. What I know is this: God always leaves at least a tiny little reason to be thankful whether or not He does something.
Whatever it is that you are facing; realize that the end hasn’t come and as long as you are alive, you can still get through it. There’s always time to make something better as long as you’re still breathing.

This is the reason I’m grateful for life.

Have an awesome September!

What I'm Listening to...

Yup. They are called Anthem Lights and I'm listening to their EP that goes by the same name. They were formerly known as Yellow Cavalier and originated form Tennessee. They sing Christian Rock and Pop. the reason behind the name change according to them is: "These songs [and] this record is our anthem to the world saying, "Listen, we know there's a lot of darkness in this life, but in the end, light is gonna win." And we wanna be the light to people and just show them who the light of the world is." Source

That's enough introduction.

On the Anthem Lights EP, I particularly love two songs: "Where the Light is" and "Can't get over You". I think I'm actually obsessed with "Where the light is" because the song did met me at a point when I needed it the most and I haven't been able to get over "Can't get over You".

Where the light is talks simply about darkness not standing a chance where Light exists; telling us that though it may seem like darkness has the upper hand for a long time, the Light will always win. I might not know what darkness means to you, but I know that light means just one thing to everybody. It's kinda like an encouragement/reminder that no matter how dark, gloomy or hopeless any situation might be; there's still the tiniest bit of light shining. One part of the song I like so much goes:

Even when you're close to midnight

Even when the walls are closing in

There'll always be a star that's shining

And the night will never win

Where the light is

Can't get over you is a worship/commitment song acknowledging the love, grace and forgiving nature of God and asking God to draw us closer because we can't get over Him or His love. My "part" of the song is:

Here in the arms of my Father

Only grace can be found

So I lay my fears down

Nothing is the same anymore

You've changed me from the inside out

Now my heart is beating and it's singing won't You...

They have other great songs on the EP but these two are my best...

So that's what I'm listening to at the moment and I thought to share. They've got web presence here  and also on twitter @anthemlights and youtube. You can check them out and I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Okay, bye. Have an awesome weekend.

THE DAY GOD SAYS “I TOLD YOU SO”

I like this Carrie Underwood song I told you so; I’ve always loved it. I’m not sure who she was singing to or the context of the song, but I kinda related it to God and humans.

Here’s what I know from the song: It’s a song about a girl who’s asking someone else (probably a guy) how he will respond to her if she came back home or came back to him after leaving or after being a “prodigal child”. She asked if he would laugh at her for being silly enough to leave in the first place and say he told her so and tell her he’s found a new person so she isn’t needed in his life again or if he would draw her close and hug her and cry with her and welcome her back and love her again.

So I thought “What if it was God?” I mean what if whenever we err and come back to God for forgiveness, He goes something like:

“I told you so

Oh, I told you so

I told you someday you’d come crawling back and asking me to take you in

I told you so

But you had to go

Now I’ve found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again”

It just made me think of the fact that without God’s mercy and forgiveness, we are totally doomed to destruction. Imagine God laughing at you when you ask for forgiveness and He says He’s found another person to love that loves Him back as much so you gotta leave Him forever saying He won’t let you break His heart ever again. It’s easy to imagine for me because rejection isn’t such a foreign concept so I know how utterly painful it is to be denied forgiveness and acceptance and I just think “What if that was God?”

The prodigal son in the Bible would probably have gone to commit suicide if his father had said something like this to him when he went back home because he would have felt rejected, unworthy, ashamed of himself and totally useless and the best option for him would have been death.

So first, it makes me think of how God feels whenever we reject Him and that makes me extremely careful of the things I do to Him. I don’t ever want to be rejected by a God who loves me so much even when I don’t deserve it.

Also, I think of this great and mighty unconditional love God has for us all; the kind of love that never makes Him send us further away when we stray and come back to Him but instead draws us closer, gives us a hug and says “Welcome back child”. I covet that kind of love; the kind that can look past wrongs and bear the hurt and scars of whatever wrong someone has done to me and forgive the person genuinely.

I don’t know who Carrie Underwood was singing the song to or what she meant by that song; but I know what the songs means to me. This is a subtle reminder that although I have a God who will never reject me no matter how much I err or how far I walk away, I owe Him a conscious duty to not intentionally hurt Him and to be constantly careful of what I do.

I hope it means the same for you too.

You can find the full lyrics to the song here

Finding Contentment

For lack of a better word to capture my thoughts, I decided to use "contentment", but this post is meant to be about dealing with jealousy. Recently, I was comparing notes with a friend over something we had both planned to do; actually, I was supposed to go for mine before him, but some issues came up here and there and I had to hold back. Turns out my friend is going to leave me behind since he didn't have the issues I had.

Somehow, unconsciously, I felt this tiny little pang of jealousy and it brought to full focus the fact that this isn't something new that I'm dealing with; it has actually happened a couple of times especially when I compare notes or compare progress with someone I feel we should be at par.

I think I'm going off point. I'll stop now.

Many people face different types of jealousy; it's usually different with everybody, but jealousy is a universal feeling.

Anyway, how are we supposed to deal with jealousy? How are we supposed to live with healthy competition? What does God think is right when it comes to dealing with situations where you feel less then yourself because someone you are rubbing shoulders with has taken a step ahead of you?

I think the first good step towards getting out of jealousy is admitting it. When that is settled, it becomes easy to work around it. Anyway, so I carefully searched and this is what I found:

1. Develop the habit of not comparing yourself with other people. You are special; God made you unique and you are the best of yourself there can ever be; the moment you accept yourself, it will be easy to live your life. Yes, there might things you like in a person that you might want to emulate, but you shouldn't want those things out of a desire to outshine the person, but of a desire to make yourself be the best God wants you to be.

2. Change your focus from being on yourself alone. Help someone be better; that way, you will find yourself becoming a better person. Also, focus on the high side (or should I say positive side of your life). Look for those things that make you special and work on them, use them to work on yourself and others.


#SideNote: God's help is always available. Ask God for help and you will get it. Also, make a personal decision to change your way of thinking. Every behaviour you have starts with your thoughts and your mind. Spend your thoughts and your gifts wisely.

Okay, so that's it. I don't know it all; I just know a bit and that's what I have said. How do you deal with jealousy? Or what have you read on dealing with jealousy? Please leave a comment and tell.

Finding Inspiration: Uncle Steve

I’m feeling a little inspired today. As you may or may not know, I’m a techie. Not in the nerdy or geeky sorta way; but the girlish type :D :D . The type that doesn’t care much about E!. Should I even be using that as a yard stick? I guess not; anyway, that’s not the point of this post but you’ll see the connection (I hope).

There are very few people-living or dead- that I can boldly come out and say I admire or that inspire me. This is because I’m not very heavy on words. If you say something nice to me, I might surprise you and give you a blank stare *sorry*. That’s why I’m terrible at “washing people” Bad behaviour? I know, and I’m working on it. Believe me.

So, when I say I admire (d) Steve Jobs, then you must know that I really do. *insert my techie paragraph above here* You understand why I started with that now, right? Forgive me if you don’t.

Okay, so as I was saying; Steve Jobs was one of the few people I admired in his lifetime and I think I still do even in his death. Why? One reason: Innovation. That, to me is the next best thing in life after God. There’s nothing like being ingenious especially in the very competitive world that we are in.

So, is this something like a tribute to Uncle Steve? Maybe. Followed closely by Whitney Houston and Tayo Aderinokun of GTBank, Steve Jobs tops the list of “significant people” whose deaths hit me the most (I dare not call them celebrities).

Where am I going with this? Yesterday, I read Steve Jobs’ popular Stanford 2005 speech again and a few things I had missed came to light, some of which I want to share:

1.   Connecting the Dots: “Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

#Note to Self: To that statement of trusting in something, I would add GOD. The absolute importance of trust and faith can never be over-emphasized. Is all of life itself not based on trust and faith? How is it that we are able to sleep every night and believe that in the morning we are going to wake up? Isn’t it because we trust that Someone or something has the job of ensuring that? You might take this to be spiritual, but as far as I’m concerned, all of life and living is spiritual. The question is which spiritual force controls you?

2.    Love and Loss: “I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life…and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees…and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired... I was a very public failure…But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did... And so I decided to start over. I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life…I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance… I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.”

#Note to Self: It doesn’t matter how many times you fail or even how terribly you fail; as long as you genuinely love what you are doing, you will always rise. So, do what you love and love what you do. It’s that simple. Be willing to start over, but take conscious steps to ensure you don’t fall as a result of your own mistakes; and even with that, if you fall, clean yourself up, get up and focus on the love you have for what you do. Don’t decide to go for the next best thing when you can have the best. I’ve done this man times in my life and a whole book will not accurately describe the pain I felt when I saw the best I could have taken. Raise your head and look beyond that corner; the best is just after the corner.

3.    Death: “…Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart...”

#Note to Self: What is important to you? What defines you? If someone had to describe you in one word, what would the person say? Whether you like it or not, that one word is what will be left of you after you’re gone. So, what do you want that one word to be? Live your life with openness that stems from the realization the one day, you’ll be stripped of everything by death. All the excess luggage will go nowhere with you.

I didn’t know Steve Jobs, but I was distressed by his death. The fact that someone with such intelligence and intensity can die one day is a subtle prompt that one day; we’d all answer the call. The question is will you look back on your life when you’re gone and be satisfied with how you lived?

P.S: This post is not about negativity in any way; it’s just a subtle reminder. Forgive me if it came across that way.

You can find Uncle Steve’s full text here 

Finding Balance

Few months ago, I tweeted that "I am the new definition of tiredness and lack of balance". I knew what I was saying, but I didn't fully understand what it implied.

I first attributed meaning to the word "balance" when I saw the movie "Eat Pray Love". What I know hitherto about balance is:

1. FOOD: you have to eat; sometimes because you just have to stay alive, other times because you got the best food ever and sometimes, out of courtesy.

How does this apply to me? : So I decided to eat. I'm slim, very much so. Someone even once called me Anorexic, but I didn't care then and I don't care much now; but my lightweight isn't as a result of not eating, if you've seen my mum, you'll have a slight idea. Anyway, it worked. I ate just because. I ate healthy and I developed the habit of romancing my food in my mouth (I can give you tutorials if you'd like). It was good. I enjoyed food. I learnt new dishes and tried them out. I had an amazing time making great meals. That's where this story ends.

2. PRAY: I understood this as having an intimate relationship with the God you're serving; being able to go on your knees and pray whenever you needed to talk; knowing God and knowing Him with complete accuracy; and the list goes on. I always remembered this: “Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, and inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”

How does this apply to me? So I decided to pray. I am a Christian and I believe in the Trinity and the Holy Spirit and I'm proud of that. I found peace with God and I stayed with that peace. It was amazing to say the least. You wouldn't know what's missing until you come to the full realization of the power of God and full acknowledgement of the Holy Spirit. I'm still on that track; I'm not there yet, but I know I'll get there. This story continues from here.

3 LOVE: Ha! The widely used, yet least understood word on earth. I learnt to understand love as a commitment; a decision. I came to understood love as being hardcore. Love is patience, kindness, not holding grudges, empathizing, not jealous, bearing all things, forgiveness, etc. Most importantly, I understood and settled with the fact that God loves everyone. It doesn’t matter if most people don’t love Him back; He still loves us all unconditionally anyway. I found an example in Him.

How does this apply to me? So I decided to love. I learnt to smile from my inside.  It was hard, I was happy, I was burnt, and I cried, I laughed, I was hurt. I got love in return, my love was thrown back to my face, but I loved anyway. I loved God, I loved family, I loved friends, I tried to love enemies; made an attempt to love everybody. I was brokenhearted at some point, but I always remembered the phrase from Eat, Pray, Love: “This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” This is hardly where this story ends.

How did this work out for me? I found balance (or so I thought). My life was finally in the right direction. I’d wake up in the morning and know exactly what to do with myself and how to go about it. I felt equilibrium. I left the house same time every day, got back same time, knew exactly how many minutes to spend doing what. It helped me shed excess baggage, I left many things behind and I felt satisfied.

Something upset my balance though. I had to break my routine for some unforeseen reason and I lost my balance. At home, at work, with everything and anything that mattered, I couldn’t keep up with my life and I was miserable. Very miserable. It killed me not to be able to organize my life and I knew there was no way I could avert that disaster.

I came to realize one truth and that is probably the point of this epistle. Balance doesn’t come from being able to accurately arrange my life. I am not a static object; the fact that I’m human automatically makes me dynamic; so I don’t expect that things will always remain as they are. Therefore, my true balance only comes when in the midst of my craziness; I can still eat, pray and love. It doesn’t matter how many times I’m hurt when I love or who loves me back or whether or not I eat enough or less than enough, or whether or not I’m able to articulate my words when speaking to God; as long as I’m happy, satisfied and fulfilled, then I’ve found my balance.

I hope you can agree with me.

Eat healthy as much as you can

Pray without Ceasing

Love always

Stay Happy

Find Balance.

Trotcha!!!

Finding Peace

 Last night, I got a very important realization: "No matter how many times you lose loved ones, you can never get used the feeling of loss. Never".

I write this from personal experience. I lost 2 members of my immediate family in 2001 and 2007 and though it felt like the world had come to an end especially in '07, I still found the strength in Christ (finally) to move on.

I have had dear people to me die at different stages in  my life and taken it in good faith, but nothing in this world prepared me for the news I heard last night. I lost two very dear people to me (husband and wife) on Monday. Didn't hear about it till yesterday. Initially, I couldn't feel anything (guess that happens when you are too familiar with pain and loss), but about a few seconds later, my brain registered what it heard and then the tears came. The tears came not because I just realized they were gone; but because I looked back on the years I spent with this wonderful couple. I remember clearly learning how to knit from this woman and she knit my first ever blue sweater. I was probably about 8 when she knit that sweater and I'm not sure I dropped that sweater any time before I was 13. I remember the easy going nature of the man and how he teased me last December saying I was a big girl now. Most especially, I remember them in 2001. They were there for my family through our period of loss. I remember that vividly.

This post though, is not about how I cried or what made me cry; this is about finding peace. Now, I've dealt with grief and loss in different ways; tears, anger, bottled-up feelings, contempt, guilt, determination, denial, severing ties with God, sickness, and the list goes on and on, but I will like to talk about being angry/cutting ties with God.

My normal human reaction yesterday after crying would have been "but God, why?". I'm sure He was probably even expecting that question from me, thankfully though, it didn't come and it has still not come. 2007 was by far the greatest loss for me out of all the ones I can count and that year, I decided I had taken enough from a God who allows the good people in the world to die and allowed the bad ones stay. So, coupled with a really messed up way of grieving (bottled up feelings), I cut ties with God. Don't get me wrong; I didn't stop going to church or even dancing during praises, but my heart was not with God. I moved on to a place where I made decisions myself and couldn't relate with God as I was supposed to. It was a very terrible period for me. A very difficult place to be. I was nasty, was rude, couldn't concentrate and had the worst attitude ever. I didn't care though, because I felt like I was getting back at God for what He had done to me.

The turning point wasn't a "fall down and die" moment of deliverance from whatever was tormenting me; it was just a realization that I'm not doing God a favour by choosing to serve or love him but rather I'm doing myself a huge benefit. I might be wrong, but I've chosen to see God as the God that "blesses and adds no sorrow" (my Bible says so) and accept the fact that there are lots of things we will never understand in the flesh no matter how or accurate our knowledge of God is. He still has that superiority over us and isn't that what makes Him God? I have examples from the Bible and more to tell me that keeping away from the God who gives me life everyday is like taking a knife and intentionally ripping it through my heart every day; feeling the intense pain, but not dying.

I have therefore made my peace with loss and God and I have chosen to see God as the GIVER and not the TAKER of life. Any other view cannot hold water with me as far as life is concerned. I may not understand why good  people die; I know that I don't need to any more.

I might be wrong,and there might be explanations that I do not know, but if God wishes that I know them while still on this earth, then that's entirely up to Him. Sounds like taking the easy way out? Well, at least it saves me the greater loss!

Provocations (as I saw them)

Hello friends. I found this "epistle on Tolulope Ilesanmi's blog at http://tolulopesmusings.com/provocations/ and it actually did what it was meant to. It's verrrrrry long, but the thoughts here are too profound to ignore. So, I decided to share. Enjoy and be blessed. Oh, please visit his blog http://tolulopesmusings.com ; his musings are very profound. So here goes:

Between you and I, I am not seeking human approval, not even yours. I do not need it. But I am living and dieing for the approval of one man, Jesus Christ.

Many of our problems are due largely to our insistence on living as though the invisible is non-existent when in reality, Existence is Invisible.

All things are possible when you develop the habit of going into the presence of the invisible God and asking, “Lord what do you think about this” and then acting on whatever is revealed to you.

There is no knowledge outside God. To know anything on any matter, no matter how lofty or how mundane, just ask the Creator. He exists, He can hear you and He wants to help you, seriously.

God reveals secrets. You can know what is known only to God.

Who am I? I do not know, I did not make myself. But my life is a process of finding out and unfolding who I am.

You do not know me. I do not fully know me. I am a process, being transformed daily. I know who I have been up till today but I have no clue who is emerging from the Invisible. One thing I know, the person emerging from the invisible is more glorious than the person I have been, whom you or I knew hitherto.

Sex, whether illicit or lawful, is pleasurable and to deny that is to deceive oneself. Sexual pleasure, though fleeting, is a gift from the Creator.

If Jesus Christ does not return in your lifetime, your funeral will happen on a certain day. You will not exist in this world forever. You will pass away. Meditate on that for a few seconds.

There is fleeting pleasure but there is also everlasting pleasure.

I agree with C.S. Lewis that when a man comes on the scene and calls himself “The alpha and the omega, the Almighty,” he should either be locked up or should be taken seriously. He is a phenomenon that demands a definite response but should not be patronized. I have chosen to take Jesus Christ seriously and honestly, I do not care what you think about my choice. After all, I have a right to be wrong.

Jesus Christ did not found a religion, he brought new life to the world. He is not just the savior of Christians but of the world. He is as much savior of Buddhists as of Christians. No one is exempt.

Husbands are the heads of their wives, not to be Lord and Master over them, but to serve them, to love them as Christ loved the church, with his own life.

As a husband, you are responsible in your home. You are responsible for whatever goes wrong, even if it was your wife’s or children’s or the devil’s fault. You are responsible.

Don’t help your wife do the dishes, let your wife help you do the dishes. Don’t help your wife change diapers, let your wife help you change diapers. She is your helper, you are not her helper.

Leadership is not only about leading when you have followers. True leadership continues to lead when there are no followers and you have to travel the road alone.

When you are the leader, you are responsible. You may not be the cause of whatever is wrong, but you are responsible for the present and the future, do not put the blame on anyone or anything.

Significance is open source. No one has a copyright over it.

When it comes down to it, you do not have a problem, outside of you. Believe it or not.

We need to stop picking and choosing what to follow in Christ. It is either we are following all the way, or we are not following. The Christ who preached the sermon on the mount, loved sinners and spoke deep parables is the same Christ who raised the dead, cast out evil spirits, walked on water and drove out the money changers from the temple. If you truly follow Christ, you will be hard to profile.

Spend time with yourself. Alone. Regularly.

Your lifetime just got shorter. Again. Ha!!

You do not believe God exists? Wait until you die.

When will we ever realize that business is not about busyness and transactions, but about people, about relationships? You do not need to go to school to know how to deal with people, treat people well, build healthy relationships. Really, it is very simple.

When will we ever realize that the popular way is the way of destruction? When will we ever realize that the way to go is precisely not the way the crowd is going? When will we ever realize that the way that leads to fulfillment is not broad and popular, but crooked and narrow and few there be that find it? There is nothing wrong in being one of the few

You can follow the crowd all you want, but you are an individual, responsible for your own actions.

You can do what you want, when you want, how you want, why you want, where you want. Really, you are answerable to no one. Until you die.

Exercise your right to think, exercise your right to thought. Exercise your right to think what no one has ever thought, to say what no one has ever said and to do what no one has ever done. It is an inalienable right.

The Creator has a solution to every problem in creation and He has given us an open invitation to come to Him. So, what is the problem?

I know myself better when I put the Creator in whose image I am, in his rightful place.

Honestly, no one will end up in heaven by accident, or in hell for that matter.

Let God be God.

It is an irony. Some of the most unbelieving people are church-going believers.

You may think I am crazy, but I honestly believe that Jesus Christ is the solution to the woes of this world, whether spiritual, economic, social or environmental. I have contemplated it and I am convinced that if any person or group of persons, no matter how small or large open their hearts to Him, not in church attendance but in spirit and in truth, they will experience freedom.

I am not doing the Creator a disservice when I ignore Him. I am doing myself, a mere creature, a disservice.

I believe in Jesus Christ. I do not owe you an apology for it.

I do not have to agree with the Creator when he says, “Whosoever says unto this mountain, be removed and be cast into the sea…he shall have whatsoever he says in faith”. His being Creator makes His word law.

The Creator’s words and promises are the reality. If they seem not to make sense, guess whose thinking needs adjustment?

You may have an opinion but what is an opinion in the face of truth?

The scriptures say “By the stripes Jesus Christ received on the cross you were healed.” But you have cancer in your body. Something or someone is a lie: the cancer or the scriptures. You decide.

Why must I be a Pastor for goodness sake? Is it only Pastors that should love God? Why can’t a man just love God and remain a cleaner or an entrepreneur or whatever he is right now?

Think what you may, what the Creator says is law. Ignore it at your peril.

“Through faith we understand” is not the same as “Through understanding we believe.”

Doesn’t God’s patience stagger reason? You created creatures who ignore you, spit on you, curse you, insult you by saying you do not exist and you still give them air to breathe, when you can stop air from flowing for them in less than a second.

You created humans in your image, they disobey you and bring the curse upon themselves which you had warned them about beforehand. Yet, you become one of them and died for them so that you could redeem them from the curse and restore them to union with you. Still, they ignore you. Thank God He is Love.

We do not need more Pastors, we need more laymen who are true followers of Jesus Christ and probably more Pastors who live what they preach, who know that what was written about Jesus Christ was not just what he said but the things which he “began to do and to teach”. Do, before teach.

Christianity is a bad religion. There was never meant to be a religion called Christianity but there is new life in Christ, for all people whether they are worshipers of Satan or Church goers.

Christ recreates us while we are yet sinners. He does not ask us to become righteous before recreating us. What part of that don’t Christians understand?

When will believers in Christ ever realize that who they are in Christ is who they really are and not just some religious statement we utter when we are feeling “spiritual” with each other?

Is Christ relevant in the banking industry or in oil and gas? If “in union with him all things consist”, then things fall apart when you ignore him whether you are a hairdresser or the Secretary General of the United Nations.

If it has not caused heaven to fall out of the sky, it is probably not worth killing yourself over.

Calling Christianity a religion gives those who ignore Christ an excuse to ignore him because really, religion is to be ignored. But, life is to be embraced and lived to the full and that is what Christ came for – that every human being in the world may have life and have it more abundantly.

Christ never told us about religion. He was against the religious establishment and still is. He simply said, “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” Take it or leave it and let everyone have it. Don’t form a religion around it.

One of the saddest facts is that most people live and die without any significant amount of thought. They think what “others” think when the “others” hardly think.

This is a potentially “blasphemous” thought. You do not need the Bible to know that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life. What Bible did Cornelius have? Our denseness since we lost our spiritual connectivity at the fall of humanity is the reason we need truth written down so we can read it and read it and meditate and meditate on it, especially in this day and age, where we are surrounded and bombarded with influences that make us denser by the minute. If our capacity to apprehend truth was functioning as it should, we would know the truth of Jesus Christ being God, just as we know any other truth. End of “blasphemy”

It is a free world. God made it so from the beginning. You do not have to accept Jesus, no, not at all. You do not have to acknowledge God. If you had to, you would not be human. If you had to, there would be no evil and no damnation.

The Bible is not literature. Plato’s Republic or Shakespeare’s Macbeth are literature. The Bible contains God’s thoughts, God’s words, God’s revelation to mankind. It is not designed to be an intellectual or emotional stimulant but is food for the spirit, which restructures body, soul, spirit and society.

Darwin’s theory of evolution is right. It is just that, a theory. Take it for what it claims to be. Every man is free to theorize. Why should he be crucified or believed for propounding a theory?

True faith is not disconnected from reality. True faith creates reality.

True faith seeketh not her own. True faith is not seeking to buy a car or a house, for himself and his household. True faith works by love. In other words, love is the proof of faith, not material prosperity.

What is blind faith! True faith is not blind. True faith is seeing the invisible.

True faith is not “not knowing”, but knowing on a higher level, far above the visible realm, where your reason takes a backseat, not in dormancy but in service of faith.

Your salvation, your deliverance, your fulfillment, even your success, whether you agree or not, is not in running around in ceaseless activity but in frequent stillness. “In returning and in rest shall you be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength”

Contrary to science, the fundamental building block of all spirit, mind and matter is words, the Creator’s words. Even your lungs are made of words. Words will repair or damage them more effectively than drugs or disease. Call me crazy if you want, I believe it.

It is impossible to truly know God and not be totally devoted to Him.

There is enough head knowledge of God – even the deceiver knows God – but there is very little heart knowledge of God.

If you are able to process Christ’s death and resurrection as “one of those things”, then you do not have a clue what it is.

It is impossible to know God and not have an intense love for him that consumes your whole being. So do not pursue God if you are not prepared to be totally sold out to him.

Your Creator became human, introduced into the world as a baby in a manger, lived under parents who are his creatures, killed in his prime by his creatures all so that he could redeem us all and you are able to take it lying down?

God called humankind dead after the fall. Imagine life!

There are spiritual laws more real than physical ones. We ignore them at our own peril just as physical laws should not be ignored. Our ignorance of them does not render them impotent or inactive. Our ignorance of them exposes them as much as our knowledge does.

The Bible is a book of spiritual laws or truths that function independent of your or my assent.

The human function for apprehending spiritual laws is spirit, not mind. The reason is unable to comprehend spiritual laws. The reason comprehends physical laws, not spiritual ones. When the spirit is dormant (or dead), the whole world of spirit, of ultimate reality seems non existent, so we “walk on in darkness and all the foundations of the earth are out of course”

When you talk of the heart, most people think you are talking of emotion or the physical heart when in fact the heart is our only connection with reality.

Your mental development is not what makes you wise. Your heart connection to the source of intelligence is what makes you wise.

You do not need formal education to succeed in life. You need a connection to the source of knowledge and wisdom. Many times, lack of formal education grants you easier access.

Your formal education can be an asset but it can very easily be a liability

Truth is not truth because it is written in the Bible. Truth is truth because it is truth. After all, even the scriptures record that there are things regarding God’s dealings with humanity, which are not written in the scriptures. You limit yourself and you limit God if you do not go beyond the letter of scriptures to the spirit. Where in the scriptures does it say what your specific purpose on earth is? Where does it say who your future spouse is or where you are to live or work, or what business to start?

Jesus Christ, the mighty God, the Prince of Peace, the everlasting father, the alpha and the omega, the Creator, was born into this world among animals, in a manger, not by accident, but by divine design. It is a metaphor and there is a message there, a quiet truth that we may be missing.

You do not need to be “smart”, just find out how to be connected and stay connected to the Source. Try it out and see. However, people will think you are smart. If only they knew…

Whatever you cannot do in God’s presence is either not worth doing or should not be done. If you bring whatever you do into God’s presence, His blessing will come on it and you will experience inspiration on the job. You can discuss your feasibility study with the Creator. He knows better than you and is more capable than you. He wants to help and will, if you consult Him.

Can you imagine committing adultery in the presence of God? When you sin anywhere in the universe, even if no one sees, you are doing it in God’s presence. Because, “Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.”

Imagine a husband committing adultery in full view of his wife. That is what we do every time we sin. Yet, he forgives us, every time. Amazing grace.

God is not a religious figure or an invention of man. God is Creator, in whom we live, move and have our being. What is religious about living, moving and being?

If it has to do with life and existence, it is the Creator’s business and he should be consulted about it.

When you are surrounded by problems, you are surrounded by problems. But the truth is, you are surrounded by an infinite number of solutions. Your real problem is not your problems but your blindness.

Lord, is not a mere religious word. It means Master, Owner and that is exactly how it should be used. The Lord is Master of the Universe, Owner of this planet and all others.

It is politically incorrect, politically volatile, politically unacceptable and despite what Christianity as a religion has done with Christ to make Him appear as a religious figure, Christ is the Almighty God, the Creator. Whenever you talk about God, you can substitute Christ and the equation will still balance.

The closer you are to God, the more down to earth you will be. Jesus Christ was not a philosopher or a religious figure or a mere poet disconnected from daily existence but a man who effectively straddled two worlds while he was here. When he dwelt among us, he lived as much on earth as in heaven, probably more on earth.

I think that if Jesus Christ were physically present here now, he would be on social media, not necessarily showing off his latest car, house, job, friends or family but exposing the realities and mysteries of the kingdom of God. And there will be many who will find him rather nauseating.

Faith that is devoid of tangible results is not faith but mere mental assent.

Faith in God does not replace your mind, hands and legs. After all, He created them. Faith only makes them function at a much higher level, like taking two loaves and five fishes in your hand and feeding (not spiritually, but physically) 5,000 men excluding women and children or using a God-given idea to preserve a whole civilization.

You do not need to believe in God to be “successful” any more than you need to believe in God for the organs in your body to function well. Obviously.

Sadly, it is at times easier for people of “no faith” to believe God than people of the Christian faith. We have the way, the truth and the life but we have mostly become Pharisees and there will be many who are presently last (yes, they may even be homosexuals today or prostitutes, adulterers, idol worshippers) who shall be first and many who think they are first, who are really last.

Seriously, I do not get how a man can claim to be a follower of Christ and want to stone someone to death because they are homosexuals. What in Christ remotely resembles stoning sinners to death? You should submit yourself to death by stoning first because you have a “lesser” sin in your life, which, before a Holy Holy Holy God, is still sin. If you need grace, why not a lesbian?

The only way to sustainable significance is a heart for God. You cannot bypass it.

My future humbles and purifies me much more than my past. Where I am going is much more humbling and keeps me in check than where I am coming from.

I am a man but I cry. I cry. I cry. I am a man but I cannot help but cry when I am in the presence of the Ancient of days, the Almighty, the most High God, the Alpha and Omega, who spoke the galaxies and the everlasting hills into being and I realize I am too small to stand in His presence. I cry more, when I realize that in spite of it all, He holds me.

You are not that important. You have something in common with birds and with flowers of the field – you have the same Creator. He wants to provide for you as He provides for them.

You are God’s heartbeat. And that guy you detest.

There is only one Messiah, and it’s not you.

You may not believe me but you do not own your life or your money. The Person who owns the earth and everything in it, who owns the world and everyone in it, also owns your life and your money.

The Creator is not the Universe, He created it. The Almighty is not an energy. He is a person who laughs, loves, dislikes, wills, speaks, and can be loved, despised and related with just like any other person.

God is Spirit, you are spirit. God is invisible, you are invisible. Your body is simply the house in which you live, which becomes lifeless when the real you departs and goes to where you belong!

I have never met a black, brown, red or white human being. But I know people whose skin colors are close to black, brown, red or white.

Daily, we choose between investing in things relating to our spirits, which are eternal, and things relating to our bodies, which are transient. Most times, we invest in those things that pass away. And we claim to be wise.

It takes a higher level of intelligence to detect the existence of God and to have a relationship with Him when most people are convinced their Creator is non-existent.

Yeah, so there goes. Pick the ones that provoke you and share it with other people too. 

God loves you and I do too.