Thursday, February 7, 2013

A question


You know there are some things that bother people so much it drives them crazy. Sometimes, we find it so difficult to say exactly what we are thinking because it will not go down well with someone or because people will consider you crazy.

I have spoken to some people and I have attended quite a number of weddings in my life. I have argued so many times that the purpose of a marriage is not for procreation only; there’s companionship and help meet (that’s how it’s spelt, right?).  It peeves me when people (family and friends) start counting for a couple as soon as they are married like if there’s no baby after 9 months, then there’s a problem.

Personally, I don’t want to have babies so early into marriage. Can’t I just enjoy the other 2 reasons why people get married for a while before starting a family? I told my mom once that I would like to wait a couple of years before having a baby and she freaked; going on and on about how life doesn’t wait and how there’s no reason to wait if you are not having delays. I just want to believe she was in a mood that day.
I watched “Change of Plans” recently. I love that movie; not necessarily because of the story line but because the couple had been married for 5 years and had a mutual agreement that having children was not in their playbook. I wouldn’t call it playbook but you get the idea.

Why don’t I want to rush into having babies?

I have heard stories and I have seen drama. You have a baby and you have to leave the child at home everyday in the care of one nanny whom you are not sure truly likes you or your child. You leave before the child wakes up and by the time you’re back, baby is asleep. You cannot sacrifice your well-paying job to be a stay-at-home mom. I do not blame people who can’t leave their jobs to play the mommy; the state of the nation doesn’t really let that happen but where is the care and love and attention children deserve in their growing up years especially in this age where solid family values have become a thing of the past?

Eventually, I want to have babies but I also want to take care of my babies by myself and train them the same way my mom trained me because she didn’t have a job that took her away all the time. I also love to work; I love the office setting and furniture and work stations and bosses and nice clothes and meetings and people that pretend to care and all of that and I know that I am not cut out for any kind of business of my own.

Am I talking about sacrifices here? Yes I absolutely am!
Does it make me look like a weak woman who expects that her husband should be the major financial backbone of the house? I don’t know.
Is this a wrong way to think? That is my question.


  1. This piece is beautiful,madam.
    Marriage is more than giving birth and I don't wanna get married for that single reason but also for love.
    To answer your question, that's not a wrong way of thinking. And we even share the same view

  2. I guess you know you enough to know what works for you and makes you happy so no, it's not a wrong way to think. Keep your mind open though. Life has a way of pleasantly surprising us despite our plans

  3. Something always has to give. One cannot eat her cake and have eat.

  4. Blessings....
    answer: its the internalization of patriarchal ideas/ideals, ideologies and philosophies. As far as we have come we have further to go.

    stay blessed.

  5. Feyi, that is a very vital question you asked. Personally I share in your thought pattern of waiting for a while (after careful consideration with whomever is the partner on why and how long).

    Asides waiting for a while to have time to bring up the child, I feel it's essential in bonding with your partner. Anyways, like I earlier said, it has to be a mutual decision that has been carefully thought through.

  6. it is not a wrong way to think dearie, its a beautiful and most sensible way to think. even the bible says there's time for everything. at least let the couple enjoy themselves and get to know themselves much more fa.....thats wt i believe o. cos the time for kids will come and you would face another phase of life. i believe there are different phases in marriage. the years where you get to know each other and be the best friends you could ever become cos wen u grow old, only the both of you can stand each other. even ur kids might not be able to last long when u begin ur rant of "back in the days'' cos they have other things to do. and then the time fr kids sets in and you re no longer responsible for just yourself and partner. you now have a new member
    so i believe life is in stages and should be taken one day at a time.

  7. It is just either one or the other. I just believe when having a baby, if one were to be fair, one shouldn't sacrifice the early parenthood that a child needs for anything, even if there are a thousand nannies to help out. It's okay if a couple decides they don't want to have children for sometime. You soon get to know that it is couples like that that become good parents when they are really ready to start a family.

  8. I would also love to enjoy the friendship and companionship for a while before the kids come,cos definitely sacrifices would be made.

  9. I totally get what you mean and I also want to enjoy a few years before I start having kids, because its WORK!! Real work and one has to be very ready.

    Its def not a wrong way of thinking, the point is the reason behind it.

  10. There's nothing wrong with planning your home the way you want it. It's between you, your husband and God. Marriage is not just for procreation and shouldn't be viewed in that light. Our prayer should be that God bless us with children when we want them.

  11. I totally get what you mean and I loved the movie "change of plans" too...I don't want to start having babies immediately after marriage if I can...I intend to be a work from home mum once I get married because I want to be their for my children while growing up.

  12. Lol… I get your point completely, but as someone who got married in June and got pregnant in July, situations differ. For me personally, It was either do it now or wait for 3-4 yrs ( work reasons), so the hubby and I decided to do it now. it has been a journey but no regrets. I usually advise peeps to do what fits their lives, brush off the Aunty and Uncle time keepers ( a beg who send them in the first place?)


Love to hear your thoughts